Monday, January 31, 2005

Mind Numbing Muppets: Could You Fit Bono's Ego In Your Gaff?

Presenting the first in a coming series of Mind Numbing Muppets - a Soundtracksforthem response from the underbelly of the keyboard to the kaleidoscope of dazzlingly silly cahnts who impose themselves on us via their access to the media.

Number 1: Bono

Fresh from prancing around on the set of their new video Bono and co are back to unleash another album. Bound to hurtle straight up the charts and receive the sort of rabid air play that ensures their new single 'Vertigo' will drill itself into the heads of anyone in the vicinity of a radio with all the infectious quality of Variant CJD.

Lucid as ever, Larry Mullen strives to convince anyone unfortunate enough to hear that U2 are the 'only real band left.' Meanwhile the rest of us are checking ourselves into mental wards worried we'll be prompted into the sort of self questioning frenzy which results in frantic dashes about HMV to locate their new album. Wondering how we were deceived by all those other bands, which Bono et al have now confirmed don't actually exist. A clever fucking marketing approach to monopolisation or what?

But then again, U2 and Bono are one clever as fuck marketing gimmick aren't they? The politicians realise that too. Only too happy to use his mountain sized ego to add credence to their public relations stunts when it comes to debt relief and funds for aids. The fuckers string him along like some mascot to the yoof vote (as if we're that thick). Delusional with the idea he exerts a single ounce of power over them Bono traces a path around the globe like a Bishop with no flock bestowing virtue on one and all. In Genoa so gripped with ego mania was Bono et al that he maintained the social movements which were being battoned and shot off the Genoa streets were 'distracting' from his chats with Blair and other leaders on the luxury cruise liner the "European Vision" and his four year campaign to save the world.

Bono is known for traipsing around Africa with former Secretary of the US Treasury, Paul O'Neill like some 19th Century philanthropist on a 'civilising' mission to the colonies. While Bono got on with whispering sweet nothings in the global elites ears, the Bush administration moved against O’Neill for making the sort of vaguely liberal ‘non-republican’ criticisms of policy Bono himself is renowned for. Showing slightly more insight in the workings of Empire than Bono, O’Neill described the Enron scandal in which corporate fraud cost employees and shareholders billions of dollars and broadly undercut confidence in corporate accounting, "the genius of capitalism."

He’s far from alone in his delusions. "Someone once called Bono a Mother Teresa figure, but in fact he is more like John Wayne," says Bobby Shriver, record producer and member of the political Kennedy clan, who helped to get Bono his introductions to Capitol Hill. "He is the lone good guy who rides into town motivated by nothing more than an ideal. It is a potent American myth." Visionary as ever, after Genoa Bono described how he was 'getting messages even from corporate America saying, 'What can we do? Can we help?' Perhaps the corporate world are returning favours, because a band that certainly know a thing or two about advancing the corporate agenda are U2. Amidst fears that their new album would be circulating on the internet Bono and friends have joined the ranks of other notable gits like Metallica and rap stars Eminem and 50 Cent who have all rushed new albums into stores to undercut piracy. "If it is on the Internet this week, we will release it immediately as a legal download on iTunes, and get hard copies into the shops by the end of the month." Those of you who are desperate enough or stupid enough to be suckered in by 25 unreleased tracks can now buy a special U2 Ipod, complete with a gleaming silver cover featuring the bands signatures.

Meanwhile Bono continues in his sycophantic relationship with power. "You know, they're not bad guys. They're just busy guys. It's just bureaucracy. It's just, it's heart breaking really. I'd like to tell you these people are the devil. Well they're not. They're people who want to put this right." Perhaps handicapped by a Christ complex, Bono has been known in recent years to court the evangelical American right in an effort to persuade them of the importance of debt relief and the like. Many commentators note Bono’s remarkable silence on the Iraq occupation, seeing it as an indicator of his unwillingness to upset his American fan base.

So will people on this site be rushing out to buy their new album, fresh from nights of dreaming about getting close enough to lick Bono's bag? Or will you be joining me in hopes that some time somewhere Bono will lose more than his lyrics and laptops, and hopefully end up lost in an attic somewhere for over twenty year?

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